Finding a Solution
A magic story by Joe Koesterman
One of my favorite songs by Regina Spektor is called “Laughing With”. Parts of the lyrics in the first verse are, “No one’s laughing at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests...” Well, I can tell you that the voicemail I received at 2:04PM on December 14th, 2007 didn’t give me much cause to laugh at God. 25 years old, and I have prostate cancer. I didn’t even know you could get prostate cancer at that age.
What followed was a series of very painful tests, surgeries, and treatments that simply didn’t work. “A true phenomenon” my doctors called it. None of the more traditional treatments were working for what should have been a fairly straightforward cancer to treat, or so I’m told. I obviously wasn’t nearly as excited as my doctors were, especially not after my second round of chemo…
I won’t bore you will all of the gory details of what was tried, only that it didn’t work. By this last summer, I was out of options and given three more years to live. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to wait three years. The treatments had left my body broken, angry, and a constant source of pain.
It was one afternoon; I was hanging out with my friend Divan, also a talented magician, that my salvation finally came.
“What if I told you I could make your cancer disappear,” Divan suddenly blurted out after having his second beer of the day.
I glared daggers at him, “I’d say that’s not very fucking funny.”
He seemed unaffected by my understandable anger, “No, seriously. What if I could literally take away your cancer? No radiation, no chemo therapy, no weird experimental hippy shit, just me and you and my magic.”
Now, I had seen Divan do some pretty weird shit in my day, shit I couldn’t explain if I tried, but to perform a medical miracle with smoke and mirrors? I thought he was being an insensitive asshole and told him as much.
He raised his hands at me defensively, “Look, I know it sounds crazy and like a dumb practical joke, but examine our friendship for a moment in your head. When was the last time I lied to you?”
My lips sealed themselves shut for a good long moment while I thought. Despite the fact Divan’s profession was to lie to people and make them think the impossible was possible, he had never once lied to me. The only time I had ever felt deceived by him was when he was doing his magic. He read the look on my face pretty clearly.
“Will you let me try it then?” he asked as if he was wanting me to try a new flavor of ice cream, not a new cancer treatment, “I mean, with three years left, what do you have to lose?”
He did have a point. A little nod of my head was all the approval he needed and he led me to a closet in the hallway of his apartment. Of course, if you’re reading this story, you know by now that this was no ordinary closet. It opened up into a warehouse of different illusions and effects. After the usual shock and awe a mundane person has when first finding out that magic is real, he led me to a steel table already set up in the middle of the room. A large operating light was suspended from the ceiling above it, and a white cloth was neatly folded on a smaller table to the side.
“So, what am I supposed to do?” I asked, a little worried about the bare bones of his operating table.
“Just lie down and trust me. Do you think you can do that?”
“Well… maybe the first half,” I said chuckling.
He smiled and helped me lie down on the table. He then pulled my shirt up a bit and unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down slightly, though careful to keep my modesty intact.
I gave an uncomfortable clearing of my throat and Divan just rolled his eyes at me a bit, “You don’t have anything I haven’t seen before,” he stated as bluntly as any doctor.
He took the cloth from the side table and quickly draped it over my middle. He then produced a pair of red leather gloves and pulled them tightly over his hands. They made his hands look downright scary.
“You ready for this? It’s going to feel a little weird…”
I braced myself for “a little weird”. After all of the treatments I had already tried, I highly doubted this would be anymore uncomfortable. I gave my little nod of consent.
As soon as my head nodded, Divan plunged his hands through the white cloth and into me, proving me very, very wrong. While this wasn’t nearly as painful as my previous treatments had been, it wasn’t exactly comfortable to feel your best friend’s hands exploring your insides.
Divan muttered to himself as he worked, “Come here you little bastard… holy crap, this guy’s aggressive…”
“Is there a problem?” I asked, my worry not exactly masked.
“Well…” Divan, said through gritted teeth, his hands still trying to get a hold of something, “To be honest, this little bugger is the most aggressive thing I’ve ever taken out of someone. The three year estimate was a bit optimistic.”
My eyes went very wide, “You’re able to get it out though, right?!”
Divan didn’t answer. His concentration was on my torso as I felt his hands close around something foreign. With a good strong pull, he pulled out a little hairy critter. It looked very much like one of those little animated germs you’d see on Sesame Street or 3rd Grade Science class videos.
The creature wriggled and writhed in Divan’s hands, screaming a very annoying screaming and gnashing its creepy little teeth.
“Joe, this is Cancer. Cancer, Joe.”
“Can’t say I’m pleased to meet you,” I said, more than a little sick to my stomach.
The cancer screamed something unintelligible to me.
“Now that wasn’t very polite, Cancer,” Divan stated as though he was chiding a six year old.
Divan carried the creature over to a steel waste bin a little ways off and tossed it in. As soon as he did, I saw and smelled fire as the little thing burst into flames. I couldn’t say I was sorry to see it go.
“How do you feel?” Divan asked with genuine concern.
“You tell me Doc? Is it gone?”
Divan cleared his throat. I knew that couldn’t be a good sign. “Well… that particular bit is gone… it had spread…”
I sat upright really quickly, sending the cloth flying. Of course, my stomach was completely free of any hole or scar, but that didn’t really matter to me at this point.
“What the hell do you mean?!” I demanded a bit rudely.
“Calm down Joe, we can still get rid of it. It had just made some friends that had spread a bit. It’s not just your prostate, it’s…” he cleared his throat, “Well, it’s all your male bits.”
I swallowed hard, “So you can just go in and pull them out, right? I mean, everything will be fine, right?”
Divan rubbed the back of his neck, “I can pull out all the cancer, but…”
“But?”
“But the stuff that it’s attached to will have to go too…”
My heart sank as I remembered Divan’s last show. He had turned one of our friends into girl. I had thought it was just an illusion, but it was finally occurring to me that it was not. Though, that did explain why I hadn’t seen said friend around for a couple weeks afterwards.
“So… you need to do to me what you did to Vick…”
Divan got another uncomfortable look on his face. The thing I hate most about Divan is he looks like he’s about to vomit out whatever bad news he has.
“No, Joe. This will be on a more permanent basis.”
“How much more permanent?”
Another uncomfortable look “Completely permanent…”
“Well shit…” was all I could muster to say. What about my family or the rest of my friends? How was I going to explain that I had suddenly become a girl to avoid death? Come to think of it, did I really want to?
Divan seemed to be reading my mind, and for all I know, he actually was, “I can handle the social repercussions. No one who meets you will think it odd at all. The human mind loves finding a rational explanation to everything. Once you’ve been changed, my spell will exploit that fact. They’ll know you’re a girl and that you’re cancer’s gone. They won’t really care how or why.”
Well, that at least was a relief. Now the only problem was my own personal doubts. Was it worth it? Giving up my manhood so that I could live? Then a thought occurred to me. What the hell was my problem?! I had just survived two years of painful treatment to fight this thing and now my best friend has a solution that would leave me happy and healthy. Why the fuck wasn’t I leaping at it?! I gave my little nod as usual to signal my consent.
Divan gave a little chuckle, “Sorry man. For something as permanent as this is, I need more than a little nod. Magical law states you need to sign a contract with me.”
“It doesn’t need to be in blood, does it?”
“No, ballpoint will be fine,” he chuckled as he produced a clipboard with said contract on it. Rather than a lot of bullshit legal mumbo jumbo, it simply said the following:
“I, the undersigned, hereby agree to allow Divan McGrothery the right to use his special talents to alter my gender for medicinal purposes.”
I gave Divan a strange look, “That’s it? No soul exchange, no eternal servitude, nothing like that?”
Divan gave me an equally strange look, “Who do you think I am? Dr. Faustus?”
I shrugged, and with as casual an air as if I was buying a new car, I signed my manhood away.
“Excellent,” Divan stated and then got the look of an uncomfortable question forming.
“What is it now?” I asked, somewhat annoyed.
“Do you need to… you know… take a private moment to say goodbye?”
I gave him a confused look, taking a moment to realize what he was asking, “Huh? OH! No, no. I got laid last week by an ex-girlfriend who learned I was dying. I don’t need a final round of self-abuse in your bathroom.”
Divan cleared his throat, “Fair enough. You will need to remove all of your clothing for this one. I’ll be working with your entire body, not just that region.”
I stood up and began to strip. As I did, Divan walked off. He came back with a cart carrying a few oddly shaped items, each one covered by a white cloth. As soon as I was down to my birthday suit, I reclined back down on the table and Divan draped the cloth over me once again, this time covering my body from the neck down.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” Divan asked, tightening the red gloves over his hands.
I took a good long breath to steady my nerves, “Do it.”
With that, Divans hands plunged into my nether regions. I groaned in discomfort as I felt his hands detaching things from where they’re supposed to go. With a grunt of effort, he pulled his hands out as was holding a medium sized pink vibrator with a cluster of those disgusting creatures hanging onto it for dear life.
“Eww…” was all I could muster.
“Agreed…” Divan said with a disgusted look on his face before tossing the whole mess into the trash bin to explode into flames.
As he was away, my curious hand ventured to the area he just was. I gasped in shock as I felt a smooth nothing where my manhood had just been. I was completely genderless. Divan came back over cleared his throat.
“I know it’s fascinating, but you’ll have a lot more fun doing that once I’ve put in the new equipment.”
I felt my face go a bit red as I put my hands back to my sides. Divan plunged is hands back into the cloth and took hold of something very big. With a giant tug he pulled out a rather large Y covered in body hair. I reached up, noticing my facial hair was gone, and upon further exploration, realized that my body hair had also gone. Divan tossed my Y chromosome into the trash to meet the flame, and walked over to the cart.
From my position, I couldn’t see what he was grabbing until he loomed over me with it. It was, of course, a rather large X. He shoved it deep inside and I could feel everything soften. My arms and legs became shorter and thinner and I could feel my face soften. I could also tell from my sharp gasp that my voice had also changed.
Without hesitation, Divan went back over to the cart and pulled forth a pair of peaches. Plunging them into the cloth, I felt two perky and sensitive breasts form on my chest. They weren’t big by any stretch of the imagination, but they certainly weren’t mosquito bites, and their weight felt quite foreign for a moment.
After another trip to the cart, Divan came back with a bottle of hair conditioner. Walking over to my head, he squeezed some of it into his hand and started working on my hair. An involuntary feminine moan escaped my lips as I felt him working and tugging on my chemo damaged hair. I felt it become long and soft. Once he was done, he held a beautiful auburn lock of hair in front of my face. I smiled in approval.
Divan then made a final trip to the cart and came back holding an old fashioned ceramic pot with the word “Honey” on the side. This caused me to laugh in my new alto voice.
“Are you ready for the final touch, my dear?”
“Go for it,” I said, smiling with my new lips.
He plunged the honey pot into the vacant region of my groin and I felt the soft region form. I was unable to restrain a moan of feminine joy as the warmth filled my body. I blushed quite terribly as I saw the look of amusement on Divan’s face.
“All done,” he stated quite casually.
That was all the news I needed. Without waiting for another word, I bolted from the table to find the first mirror. Of course, in a magician’s warehouse, that’s not hard to find.
I marveled at my beautiful new body, not really caring that I was stark naked. Divan came up behind me with a bathrobe and handed it to me. I put it on blushing.
“I take it you approve?” he asked.
I nodded slowly.
“Might I ask what you’re favorite part is?”
I felt a huge smile creep across my face, “It’s clean.”
THE END
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